He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
- Isaiah 40:29-31

Wednesday, February 4, 2009


I feel better. I just needed to get that out. This week has been a disaster to say the least. On Monday, I called up to Hopkins because Joshua was pale and had lots of bruises on his legs. I just knew that his platelet and blood counts were low so they told me to bring him in. We get in and labs are drawn. Sure enough, his levels are very low but not at that dangerous he needs an infusion level. It was only the dangerous don't let him fall down or bump anything level. Yeah. Like that is going to work for a three year old with brothers. I live in a constant three ring circus people. Ain't nothing I do gonna stop them from fighting/hitting/running/jumping/being boys. So here I think we've come up to Baltimore for nothing. Wrong.

The doctors decided that the cough that he has had for the past few weeks is now something to worry about. Never mind that it doesn't sound any different to me or the fact that two chest x-rays last week were clear. They wanted another one and since our insurance won't do an x-ray at Hopkins without a pre-auth unless he's inpatient, they decided to bring him in. Once we moved over from the clinic to the hospital, the doctor here says that he doesn't see a difference from last week and wouldn't have put him in the hospital. Great. But since they already started his antibiotic and his ANC is at 0, we have to stay. Even better.

So here we are. Day three. No fevers, Joshua's not hooked up to any machines and we're bored out of our minds. The latest x-ray is clear and his blood cultures are fine. Yet the doctors say we have to stay. Makes a ton of sense to me. I was able to talk them into discontinuing the antibiotic for 24 hours and if he doesn't get a fever they will send us home. I'm the bargaining mama!

And on the home front, Adam has a cold. Noah is going through his emotional "my family isn't all home" stuff and Jeff got a parking ticket today. Thank goodness Jeff's parents have been able to keep Noah and Adam in line while we're stuck here. I think they have gotten a work out over the past few days though. I know the boys have been exhausted.

I'm just tired of all this stuff. If I haven't mentioned it before, cancer sucks. I can't wait for the day that our lives are controlled by this disease. It has stolen so much time, energy, and life from us and so many others. It amazes me how other moms can call out the date that their child took their first steps or got their first tooth. I on the other hand can't remember any of that. I do remember the exact day Joshua was diagnosed or the day he relapsed. I can't shout out weights and heights but I can give you hemoglobin and ANC numbers. This cancer world is so different, so isolated from the outside and so controlling. I'm aiming for the day that I have no idea what my kids ANC is but I do know how tall they are or what they weigh. I guess by then, I'll have no idea where they are past curfew and that will be a whole new set of worries!